1. I am directionally dyslexic. I do not know my right from my left. But amazingly, I can never get lost.
2. I am 100 percent gay. I’ve never even seen a vagina in real life. I did touch a girl’s boobs once, though.
3. My first crush was on He-Man, Master of the Universe. The only thing I ever stole from a store was the He-Man action figure, because I was too embarrassed to buy it. I used to sleep with it every night.
4 I joined the Army between my junior and senior year of high school and went to basic training when I was 17. I was in the Army Reserves for eight years as a combat medic. The most exciting thing I did during that time was give hearing tests to Army Rangers. Why did I join the Army? I don’t know exactly. Maybe it was to prove I was a man, but maybe it was because I liked the uniforms.
5. I didn’t masturbate for the first time until I was 18. I heard people joking about “choking the chicken” the summer I was in basic training, but I was unsure what that meant. When I got home after the summer, I locked myself in the bathroom, determined to figure it out. I was in there for four hours and had 23 orgasms. I figured it out!
6. I hate my feet. All feet, actually, but mine especially. I even used to pull off my little toenails, and now they don’t grow in anymore.
7. My dad believes he is a prophet of Jesus Christ and writes books about the coming of the end of the world. When I was 12, I learned how to shoot semi-automatic weapons in preparation for the coming armageddon. Those weapons are supposedly still buried at a secret place in Northern California.
8. I have a family history of schizophrenia. See number 7 above.
9. I studied the Japanese language for four years, from fourth through seventh grade. I can still read a little, but the only thing I really remember how to do is order lunch at McDonald’s: “Bigu Maku-o potato furai-io onagaishimasu.”
10. I’m not afraid of heights at all—in fact, I find the danger exciting. But I am terrified of really bad thunderstorms, and bugs creep me out.